I just threw up on my dentist
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
