My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She bit a glass in half.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
