The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
