see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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