I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
