Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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