in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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