Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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