anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
