The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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