Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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