she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
