it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
