I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His hands were made for my vagina.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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