Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
