I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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