I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
