Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
