god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm jealous of your bromance
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
