Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
