Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
