Soap is not a condiment
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
