I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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