Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
