Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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