I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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