i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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