I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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