just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
