you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
