You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
