i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
