did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
zippers are such a cool invention
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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