I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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