I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
