so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
