Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
