You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
