My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
