wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
