He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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