she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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