Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
