So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
