Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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