I cut my penus on the lid.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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