Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize