my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
