I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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