its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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