How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
