I hope mine doesn't look like that
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize