it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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