Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
