i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Rumble strips road head = magical
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
