God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
