Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
