Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
