I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize