guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
