she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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