my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
40s are totally the cure
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
