My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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