new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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