so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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