let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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