Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize