I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize